The police never think its as funny as you do.
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
scrabbled eggs
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.