the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game