the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.