The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.