The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.