@GMPaiella: The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market
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@murrman5: [wife yelling in waterpark] "BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR" [top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT'll BE FASTER
@byronblurb: Me: My head hasn't been in the right place lately. GF: You might want to check up your ass.
@JohnLyonTweets: This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@shutupmikeginn: I'm thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I'm eating cereal.