*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
He just like my cat fr
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Hero horse inspires millions
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
two people or more is called a problem
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
sliding into dms like
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”