Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]