I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
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My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.