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@Grind_n_Roll: The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
@joejwest: ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
@TheMichaelRock: All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I'm in HR's office.
Thanks a lot, Megan!
@daemonic3: Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
@Dawn_M_: He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.
@MomOnFire: Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.