@HALFniteStand: "The past tense of LOL is not LOL'd, it's L'dOL." - How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
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@SomthinBoutSara: You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
@13spencer: I keep having to remind myself that an "oral history" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
@PeachCoffin: *admires David at the museum* I can't believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.