If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I ate everything, including the H.
plums roundup
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.