Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.