The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
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If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen