The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳