@kingstonstreet: The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword
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@SteveKoehler22: No matter how spicy your sex life is ... If he's a two-thymer; cumin in that ginger Rosemary, my sage advice ... would bay to leaf him.
@theshamingofjay: Friend 1: I was promoted. Friend 2: I got engaged. Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again. Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@Smooheed: *tries to flirt* *twirls hair in fingers* *fingers get caught in giant knot* *learns to live using only one arm*
@Marilyn_Brando: *grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans* "uhh grandpa who's that?" "my hip replacement"