The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
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Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”