The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”