The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m giving up for Lent.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
decorating my apartment
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.