The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”