The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Got ya covered
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?