The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.