The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
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I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise