What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
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I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…