Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
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when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.