The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Bit chilly again tonight.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
The cashier just checked me out.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it