*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
You Might Also Like
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My Plans 2020
im all 3
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
How to draw a duck
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined