@OrwellNGoode: The person behind Wendy's Twitter account deserves a medal
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@tracietom: My son had to take our cat to the vet and was too embarrassed to say the cat's name was Pablo Purrcasso and he just said the cat's name was Greg.
@MartaEffing: Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.
@GrantTanaka: Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol