@OrwellNGoode: The person behind Wendy's Twitter account deserves a medal
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@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
@novicefather: Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.
@QueenofSparta: She's a macaroni art maker, he creates pictures of Jesus on toast. Their budget is $1.2m. *House Hunters
@caithuls: [my head is bleeding] HIM: Have u seen a doctor??? ME: Buddy, I've seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey's Anatomy...