@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
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@AbrasiveGhost: What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.