@sumpeoplelikeit: The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.
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@TheMichaelRock: *catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.
@DearAnyone: A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
@bourgeoisalien: Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?