Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt