Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.