@LADaddy: The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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@SarcasticAlly12: My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
@juliussharpe: Million dollar idea - an app that connects you with other people eating beef jerky in their car.
@Mr_Kapowski: Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.