The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.