The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
guys I’m going home
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar