Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
🙂🙃🥹
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.