@cervixsmash: The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
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@therealeatwood: PRODUCER: OK, so this is a reality show about a blended family EXEC: Like a real-life Brady Bunch? PRODUCER: [uncovering giant blender] No
@SteveSuckington: [job interview] "What's your.." *interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic "Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network"
@Ristolable: I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
@beefman138: "Wow, that's great!" ~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn't just tell me your Grandma died.