@cervixsmash: The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
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@AmishPornStar1: Woah!!! You're a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
@danorslim: Me: You wanna have sex tonight? GF: I'm not in the mood babe. Me: Hold on a second. I'm on the phone.
@Scdavis24: That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like.... 'I've got nothing man.'