The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo