@Love_bug1016: The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who's murder you're secretly plotting.
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@slimmy_shady: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
@montgomaryrock: Give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Just found out there's a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I'm like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
@MartaEffing: I hate when I'm cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I'm just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.