My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
forgive me baja for i have blast
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,