The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
LOL!
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*mops up wine with cat*