The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?