Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
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My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat