the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?