@ziamalso: Not to spoil the eclipse for y'all but Bella chooses Edward lol

@MichaelSmartGuy: "It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am

@Brentweets: Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry's singing

@DirtMcTurd: If I'm guilty of anything it's that I care too much, that and murder

@thenatewolf: *The doctor hands me my son. I see that he's Asian. I look at my wife* ME: unbelievable WIFE: I tried to tell- ME: the stork flew so far!