@TheAlexNevil: Police Sketch Artist: How about now? Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn't mugged by a naked guy

@blopt: The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.

@cynfulgreeneyes: Him: "Wow you've got alot of hair" Me: "Thanks grew it myself"

@jonnysun: MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is… this ur card? [holds up card that says "UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP"] ME: holy crap

@jazmasta: They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.