The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Holy crap this is wonderful
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!