The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”