The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
A family that plays together cheats.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
next level snooze