The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
You Might Also Like
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Yes my dude
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.