The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
#MeanwhileinCanada
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.