@michaelianblack: The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.
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@InternetHippo: "The ship is sinking!" Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese "You can save us with that?" Me (making one last lasagna): what
@slooberbie: One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.