[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I love twitter
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Just me?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!