@michaelianblack: The phrase "Whatever floats your boat" is misleading because, practically speaking, the only thing that's going to float your boat is water.
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@Spaziotwat: [*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?" Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."
@TheRealRHB: I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
@TheTweetOfGod: The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
@krisv_723: If we've gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you've swam through my pee