Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
pizza
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward