@JennyJohnsonHi5: The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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@JohnLyonTweets: I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@SteveKoehler22: [Mad scientist lamenting] "All that work, trying to create a perfect palindrome ..wasted! DAMMIT I'M MAD !" (Pauses) "Hey...wait
@SteveSuckington: ME: will it hurt? DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees? ME: omg no! DR: ok. that's not what it's gonna feel like. I was just wondering