@JennyJohnsonHi5: The phrase "you two deserve each other" sounds like a compliment, but never is.
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@pbear79: [first date] Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants Me: I'm going to get the bacon cheeseburger Her: Me: Is that not what you meant?
@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
@QwertyJones3: Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks. Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
@adamlucidi: All my exes are engaged, married, and/or have kids. I'm single. As far as I'm concerned, I've won.