Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.