@nickwiger: The physicians choice for headaches induced by choppy streaming video playback
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@jjhartinger: Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00.
@AmishPornStar1: "Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you're outstanding too!" me, to the collection agency
@QwertyJones3: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19 -Prime Minister
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How was your first day of school? 5-year-old: Long. Me: I'm sure tomorrow will be better. 5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?