if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
spicy snake
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.