The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
You Might Also Like
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
#CoronaOutbreak
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready