@shutupmikeginn: The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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@ClickBaite: [SPELLING BEE] JUDGE: Bourgeoisie ME: Really? W o w JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie ME:*clears throat* Eff - U - See - Kay - U
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@Douchekevin: The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she's just found my twitter account
@bush_piglet: Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn't know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.