The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
love it when they get my name right
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
screw you
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.